i am alone

Subject: i am alone Mon Dec 07, 2009 9:02 am

im 27 years old. ive been sick for 8 years. a very slow and horribly painful/debilitating disease is killing me. i dont know how long ill live. to my understanding there is no cure. little is known or understood about what i have. and that is what makes me so alone. because no one understands what it is i suffer. my family is wonderful and supportive.. but they are unable to do anything but simple things for me. it hurts all the more to see them suffer along with me helplessly.

i used to be very religious. in fact when i was 19 i went to bolivia as a missionary for my church intending to preach the gospel of jesus christ for 2 years. but i was only there 18 months. it was there that i got sick. so its a little confusing. why would this happen to one of god's servants. im not mad at god or my church.. i just dont have the answers. im sure there are answers.. but i dont know them. and now ive lost the strength to have faith in anything. i hardly have strength for anything at all.

i distract myself from the hard truths i bare every minute of every day as much as i can. mostly computer games and music. my life has been reduced to simply living every moment for what it is. i have no hope for anything in the future. hope only hurts. i have been failed by so many things that offered hope. now i am truly alone. i live for the simple pleasures of life now. eating a good meatball sandwich.. hearing a good song.. reading a good book. these are what i live for.

if there is anyone out there reading this with similar strife ill tell you want helps the most. besides all the distractions you can find... music is your greatest ally. i find all the beauty of life i can in music. for example this song is perfectly beautiful to me.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjnZ5MUaMXA&feature=related https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjnZ5MUaMXA&feature=related

that and all the simple kindnesses from others will have to get you by.

other than that.. i have no idea how to handle this situation. i wish i had cancer or something that would work more quickly.. i wish i could die today or tomorrow.. but that does not seem to be the nature of my sickness. the end could still be far.. and from now to then will only be increasingly unpleasant.

my friends have mostly abandoned me. which is probably a good thing. what can they do to help anyways right? but there is a sadness in not being about to have a woman in my life. ive come to terms with my situation. i know there is not much to look forward too. and honestly im as happy as i can possibly be.

im not sure why im writing this. perhaps to see if it helps to just write it down somewhere. im not really expecting any comments or replies. but i guess if anyone feels inspired to do so i wont mind. what would you do in my situation?

Subject: Re: i am alone Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:55 am

It seems like the worst things happen to the best people and its sad. I listened to that song and its heartmending I think I cried twice its my new favorite song. The trials are always hard to go through they break us down to nothing. But in the end holding on to Gods hand like life depends on it is what brings you out. The enemy only can go so far cause God only allows him to do so.Gods servants are the ones that are guaranteed pain. Because we suffer to follow God. I'm ill as well and I don't have a name for whats disabiling my life slowly or possibly killing me. I don't know what else to do but Hold on to jesus because he's the only one in my life that truly wants to help me. Its terrifyiny but I just try to keep my dreams because only God knows if I will live long enough to accomplish them. But I just try to keep on living and clinging to jesus which people hate but thats okay its their choice. There is nothing I can say to make it all better but it doesn't last forever. It can't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DmMDebJb_Y&feature=related

This is a song that I listen to, to give me a little boost.

Subject: Re: i am alone Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:28 am

Safehaven wrote:: its my new favorite song.

I am very glad to hear that. I love passing good music around. I listened to the one you posted. It inspired me a bit, thank you.

So here is an update (why not)

My health continues to dwindle. Peaceful sleep eludes me. I am really starting to miss it. I started writing more in my secret blog (where i write down true feelings and thoughts as I journey through sickness) Im not sure how much it helps but I think I enjoy doing it.

Lately I've noticed people's reactions to my situation. Both friends that ive had for many years and that im close to and people ive not known long at all seem to have a similar response. Wherein they express "a feeling" or a "surety" that they somehow just know that ill get better and that everything will be alright. Im not opposed to their responses but I do think its interesting and perhaps strange. Why do they all say that? Is it just their way of dealing with grim news about a friend?

As often as I can and mostly for the benefit of my family and/or for the sake of temporarily feeling normal; I talk about the future with a bright attitude or cheery disposition. Even though there is truly no hope in me. I dont really see the harm in it.

I still don't understand the woman that I am closest to. The differences in men and women continue to baffle and surprise me. Even after a life long study of the subject.

People often comment on the value of the perspective that you gain from having such trying experiences. Like its one of the few or only pluses from it all. Its funny. Of course its not worth it but.. I have started to understand a little more of what they mean. I feel like that "perspective" really translates into wisdom. And wisdom is truly valuable.

My situation seems to keep slipping into deeper hopelessness. And yet here I am. Still plodding on. But always wondering.. "when will it end? how much more can I take?"

Thanks for the reply Safehaven. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. But Im happy to hear that you still have Jesus in your life. I hope that continues to be a source of strength for you. Because when that source dries up.. you really have to get creative haha =) For instance in my case.. nothing does the job better than a good meatball sandwich cheers

-G

Subject: Re: i am alone Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:30 pm

I understand not understanding the woman closest to you. The man closest to me is actually killing me slowly and I let him. I think people react that way because they don't want to face the possiblity that you'll be gone. I don't have a time limit and in that I get lucky because I don't know whats killing me and I'm okay with that. To me theres something better up with God. Better then the illness. I also get lucky that my medication makes any which is very little tolerable. I'm not scared to die really if thats what is to happen I'm okay with that not even sure it will but I just live for now. But if I keep letting someone kill my mental health and make that worse then I'm as good as dead. I know thats killing me more then this illness because I'll let someone steal my life and pretty much break me down to a dog. I'm glad I'm promised by God to get strength from him otherwise I'd have killed myself years ago.

Is he worth giving up my life for? Giving everything I was and happy about just because of a oath? Should I really let someone turn me from being happy to live into happy and excited to die?! Nope not anymore.

Oh crap I just vented........thats not good. Oh yeah and that song played all night on my MP3 that song touched my life and I do believe changed it for the better So thank you sooooo much!

I don't know what you have but I hope you do get better and if you don't there really isn't anything to be afraid. Death isn't what its reputation holds, Jesus makes sure that his doves are released to him. I think you'll be just fine One thing I've learned in having came close to dieing at different times is that I became thankful when I touched my legs I was happy I had them and both of them I was happy for dumb things like having the tile in my bathroom that was smooth and that the creme with brown freckles that hit my heart and force me to, even if just for a minute, let go of whatevers wrong and enjoy that time of silence. Like you said the little things.