the mistake that is me

its hard to stay positive anymore.
everything from the beginning of my life til the point i am at is a row of mistakes and other problems that bring me down.
being the short skinny kid with glasses got me bullied out all of elementary and the first year of jr.high then they just shifted the focus to the wierd person i am and hated me for that. and this has yet to end and i havent gone to school for over a year now.
and then lets look at relationships. first real girlfriend tired off me after a year but she just didnt realize til a year after. but fear of being alone made me stay with her til she dumped me and shortly after told my parents i smoke weed. even tho she was the one that left me and hurt me she decided that would be a cool thing to do.
then i got my next girlfriend. she suffered from a eating disorder(rather light one but trust it still wasnt good) and she was clinically depressed(same as me really) and a cutter. that alone caused me a lot pain but the fact that i never was able to understand her(we are now good friends but im not even close to understanding her four almost five years after it ended) made me live in constant fear of her killing her self. and what ended it? she got pregnant. she lost the fetus after about two weeks and just that fact that i knocked her up made her almost incapable of kissing me. loosing the "child" made it hard to even look at me. im still haunted by the fact that i lost what should have bin my first child but kinda glad it wasnt born cause we where 16. then there was my last girlfriend. oh the memories of her. she based our relationship on lying to me about absolutely anything and often i had proof she was lying but i held it back to see if she would confess and she never did until i proved it to her. oh and this was a long distance thing to btw. and sense she rarely got to meet my friends because of that i wanted her to get closer to what then was my life long friend so i gave him her MSN adress so they would get to know each other. then they suddenly had each others phone numbers. next thing i know she asks him to tell sex stories to her about her and an other girl and a few stories about him and her to. witch they both neglacted to tell me until i asked her what they where talking about and she seemed surprised i wasnt ok with it. and later that same day that i found that not only was she talking dirty with one of my closest friends but she was also intending to break up with me next time she came to visit me cause she was talking to some dude on msn(oh btw she told me she deleted him a year before this happened so yet a lie) and they had a thing going and had so for a two months. we broke up. i was crushed. she met her new found love got fucked(like i told her she would) and never heard from him again(also like i told he). and dumb as i am i got back together with her cause i coudlnt stand living with out her. we finaly broke up a year later after living together for about a month. and with in that period of time i suffered more mental abuse than i ever had. ill write more in a second post. no ones gonna read this anyway

and as i move on only more has built up. and if im my gut is right ill soon be in hell again. the angel of mercy hasnt looked my way sense the day i was born. i carry the wings of despair and i always will.
but i live in the belief that every single choice we make in life. everything from what to eat for breakfast to getting married is all linked together and changes our fate in a minor or major way. so some of the pain comes from my own choices. i am responsible for a lot of the crap in my life. but the magical thing is that i dont F^%$ing learn from it.
it feels good to have someone relate to some of my background but it sucks that its always the s%$t that ppl relate to.
but when it comes to bullying and being different i want to say a few words. stand tall, keep your head high and never change who you are for anyone except yourself. never be what THEY want you to be. never be what THEY consider acceptable. be who YOU want to be. be like YOU like to be. better to be a wolf among sheep than a wolf in sheeps clothing.
peace

I've been bullied alot especially being that I'm christian theres something new everyday that someone wants to do to you but its no big deal anymore. I don't mind it if people don't like me anymore and I'm starting to brush it off more because alot of people hear that I'm a christian and curse god just because they know it hurts but I've learned to just let them talk. This is going to sound really strange but I'm just waiting cause I have a feeling I'm going to either get beat up or something reeeally bad is going to happen, other then the hate I get from a proclaim friend, for being christian but I'm slowly getting ready for it. I think people relate to the bad stuff because it happens to alot and it helps people to know there not alone and you admitting the things that have happened to you and how you really feel believe it or not can save a life. You have been through alot, don't let it build up please causes so much unnecessary pain and I would HATE for anyone to end up like me. Tell anything thats bothering you to anyone that will listen. Get it out somehow. Your very strong and have alot of compassion but you also are who you are and you don't drop that and thats uncommon these days so its inspiring to know that it still can be done.

I just realized you said in your gut you felt like your going to be in hell again soon. How Ironic as I said earlier so do I. I can just feel it I know it and I'm trying to get ready for it.

the only reason i have the strength to go on is exactly what you said. my pain may save a life. i live for the sole purpose of helping the ones i care about and the ones that ask for it. it is the one thing i have done and will continue doing that i know ive done right and that im proud i get to do. and i do talk to others about my problems. but i dont like it cause some of the things that strongly bother me as i am today is my own fault and can be change by a little effort from my part. but also cause i dont let anything go. it sticks to me like its bin branded on to me never goes away. on a bad day i wont just think about what made that day suck. i will start there and then start to go trough everything and anything at the speed of light that has bin bothering me as far back as first day of jr.high and some times even further back. and thats not healthy. not even a little. but my ADHD makes it impossible to break the chain of thought. i often cant sleep cause i just cant stop thinking about random poo(excuse my language).
i hate to say this but id bag on you for your beliefs cause i believe that any and all religions(except Buddhism cause its not really a religion its more a way of life) cause i believe they are the major cause of war racism judgment and ignorance. witch no one can argue isnt true cause it is. but of course not all religious ppl are bastards i mean there are a lot of nice ppl that has a religion. one of my exs for example is a baptist and a close friend of mine.
and also ill be a friend to anyone i find cool and interesting with complete disregard of their beliefs looks and history.
but i say stay strong in your beliefs cause they are a major factor of who you are and dont ever loose sense of that.
its to true what you say about few having the strength to be what they want to be. so find your self and never let go cause with out your individuality you are nothing more than a mindless ant wandering the earth by the command of an other

sorry for not replying to you haven but i have more to add cause the saga just FUCKING continues. i apologize for the use of the F word there and i also apologize for the continuous use of curses in this post.
in december i made a trip to meet a woman(feels wrong calling a 28 year old a girl) cause she was rather fond of me and honestly i was rather fond of her. but to make a long story short. we went out one night she completely fucking snapped at both me and everything else over a kebab she had paid for but not gotten. and that fondness pretty much faded cause i cant handle that kind of drama over something so stupid. but she was still cool and i liked her as a friend. i told her this she got pissed the frick off but eventually chilled out and was fine with us just being friends. and so i made the mistake of taking an other trip to go see her. she took that as me reaching out to see if there was something there even tho i told her clearly several times there would never be a "we" cause i did not feel the same as her. anyhoo i got back home and found out a close friend( a female friend) that i had not seen in over four years had moved back. i was overjoyed and payed her a visit. that visit led to a few more visits and at one point we found our selfs watching porn for no apparent reason and that lead to us having sex. witch then actually was a mistake. the other chick found that out by pretty much googling and facebooking my friends looking for dirt on me. she found my friends blogg. she had written about some of my visits and she wrote a post about "friends with benefits" a little while after and the slutbag whore that i visited added one to one and figured that out. now she is systematically ripping me to shreds. she posted a few pics of me kissing a dude while i was piss drunk on facebook she has family in the outlaws MC so she is now pressing me for money trough her outlaw buddies. oh and shes is even threatening my friend (witch is actually my girlfriend now and the reason why she posted the pics on facebook) trough her contacts and posting hate comments on her blogg and poo. she thought she could own me. she thought i was hers and she believes she such an amazing person that my now being girlfriend isnt really my girlfriend but a cover up to get rid of her. when this tale ends someone WILL be dead. either she has me killed cause shes a bitch who has others do her dirty work or i kill her with my own hands cause im not going to let her break me my friends and my family. oh and i forgot. she posted nude pics of me on the internet. vengence WILL be had one way or an other.

she is on the verge of being a sociopath. and yes ive considered the police and i eventually will involve them but as of now i wont. if i tick her off anymore she will start sending links to the pics to my family and friends. thats something i cant handle right now.
when i write this its the 9th. i have 11 days to pull 3000 NOK(devide with about five for dollars) out my bumm.
i am fucked. and sense i have not gotten anything that can legally called a threat from outlaws mc i cant file a police report against them. witch means im gonna have to wait til im a finger or two short. but considering that shes going after my girlfriend to she will be broken. i know her weakest point. she has a son. but child services took it. she gets to see him twice a year now. if i was to present to the child services with what she has done to me and my girl she would probably never see him ever again. doing so will probably get me killed but hey. she will first break down completely mentally and kill her self so i wont have to. so i really dont care. i will make her regret the day she FUCKED with me.
i am gentle. i am comforting. stab me in the back tho and i am the four horse men of YOUR apocalypse. revenge is a dish best served cold. and oh what a good dish it is

well as of now it seems she has backed off a little. im "safe" for the time being. but if poo hits the fan ill be ready.

yeah. but an attack on me or especially on my girlfriend by outlaws mc will pretty much guaranteed be payed back in full.
my GFs father is pretty good friends with some rather important ppl in hells angels mc.
ill quote a song by children of bodom. "if you want peace prepare for war".