Ok, so, I have to be pseudo careful what i write here, as I linked a thread here to my ex, thinking it would help her with some issues, now my posts just get read.. (dont ask..)
So, I'm 23, i think im a good person, ive had alot of things go wrong in my life, I wear my heart on my sleeves, and I've always been that way, i emotionally invest myself in everything I do, and when it pays off, god its good, but when it fails? its crushing..
there are very few people in this world i trust, possibly 3/4 people if that, i dont have a great relationship with my families, and my friends are essentially my family.. now, this all started because, i got too close to a friend, I'ts all so hazy now, i dont even remember how/when, but we got too close, she has a boyfriend, who is an aquantaince of mine, as a person hes /shrug, but as a boyfriend? what a douchebag tbh.. he doesnt treat her well enough, not nearly.. so, yeah, we got too close, over the holidays, and it got to a point where her feelings for me were very strong, and likewise, now, I've not had the chance to even sit down and figure out if its cos shes in a bad situation, and im a protective person, or true feelings, I've always felt close to people I can help..
So, from this, she went to talk to her bf, lets call him Y, and she went away, so happy, ya know, still got texts on my cell from her, saying she had never felt so warm and happy... then, she came back the next day, had done a 180 on me, said she chose him, I asked if she was happy, she couldnt answer it, so, I didnt give up.. we stayed friends and within a week, she was feeling the same way about me again, yet again she went to talk to Y about things, and straight up, 180'd again.. i dont know what hes saying, i know he is guilting her, and manipulating her, hes been stupidly controlling, and well, atm they are both out of work, so they were spending 24/7 together... and im stuck away from her. twice now, she did this.. so, i asked again if she was happy, she said she was, so i dropped it, i let it go.. a few days later, i wanted to talk to her, and she said how she half wished that it was me saying im not giving up on her.. so, i ran with that.. and we got to a much further place then before, we had arranged to hook up go out for some drinks n that you know, this was at a weird point, i mean things were straight up CRAZY, he was even threatening her with 'if you ever left me and got with him, i'd hunt you down' he'd tell her to get offline, and if she said no, he'd just yank the power/net cables.. now, to me? thats psycho stuff... thats beyond nuts.. It was driving me crazy that i was helpless (living 100 miles away with a week till payday and bills.) so yeah, i wouldve got on a train then and there somehow, if she wanted me to, but she said she could handle it, we were untouchable, she promised nothing would change..
Can you guess what happened next? yap, another 180, but harsher then before, she vanished for ages, then when she came back, it was ranting at me, calling me a liar over my ex, saying that i had lied to her etc, and she never wanted to talk to me again, told me to stop calling, texting etc... well, I was confused, especially since, I'm not a goddamn liar. so I looked into it, and it came around that, my ex, Y's best friend, had started talking to her 'shoulder to cry on' and then took what she said, twisted it, and made me look like a bad guy..
My ex bless her, even went to the girl and explained things, but since that point, its not really been the same.. friends or otherwise, i mean, she was so willing to flip on me? call me a liar? she said she trusted me, promised nothing would change, and then calls ME a liar?
So we didnt talk for a few days, but, i miss her, i do, we are used to spending a fair amount of our free time together, and yeah, honestly? if I believed she was happy, truly happy, i'd be happy for her, if you love somebody you let them go, and shes like my best friend, so i can deal with that. she says shes happy, but, and there is no way to say this without me looking nuts, but, you know when you know somebody? i know shes not happy, i know it. so, thats it really, left in a awkward 'friendISH' relationship, not really sure who is thinking what.. She told me multiple times, she knew it was over with him, she couldnt see herself with him in 5 years, her feelings were going, then, whenever we seemed to make progress, she did these 180's and yeah, it hurts..
How am I meant to walk away? when I know hes not good for her, assuming she told me the truth all those conversations we had, he is NOT a good person..
How am I meant to just, forget about it and be friends, she believed a lie about me, and was willing to shut me out, without even talking to me? how good of a friend does that make her?
a few of my friends have had the idea that, her relationship was simply on the rocks, and i was used as a crutch, to get him to take notice of her or whatever..
I dont know, I wish the thoughts would stop tbh, so i could have a good night sleep..
I think the only thing i can really do now, is let her fall on her own, anyone who spends 30 mins around them, can tell its just.. fubar,..
I'm thinking at the moment, all i can do, is tell her I'm there for her, keep some cash saved up to hop on a train as soon as she needs it, and just, 'wait it out'.. but that does also involve forgetting about her, since, sitting there pining for somebody who is with another, and has stomped on you _3_ times is nothing but self destructive..
Of course thats looking at it in a good way, or do I just open my eyes, and look at the fact that my friend stabbed me in the face 3 times, was willing to kick me to the curb over a lie her bf told, yet when she found out it was a LIE from him, did nothing.. and just move on, having her as neither a friend, or anything.
I know its complex :$
